How soon is now.ย 

Week three on antidepressants and the daily nausea and headaches have gone, but the exhaustion stays. 

In hindsight, I’ve always felt tired, I thought it was just me being dramatic. I’ve spent a lot of time researching and reading up on depression and mental illnesses and it’s been said that it is common for people with depression to feel extremely tired. 

Hindsight is a strange thing. For someone who is constantly over thinking and over analysing you’d think I would be able to put two and two together in the moment, but no, hindsight always seems to make an appearance and only in hindsight do I reflect and understand things better.

Do I feel better since taking antidepressants? 

I have a few more better days; But is that because I have a massive sense of relief due to finally my own feelings being validated after many years? The overwhelming amount of realisation I have experienced in this last 3 weeks is like nothing I’ve ever encountered. I feel aware of my mind and my mental illness. I’m aware that I have been juggling a lot of things for a while and that’s not something I was aware of before, I just cracked on with everything. 

People would say it’s okay to be a bit sad or you’re just a pessimist you need to focus on the positives more. This is life, it’s not easy. You need to plan stuff so you have things to look forward to. 

What they, and I, didn’t understand until now, was that I haven’t felt excited in months. I don’t feel I have anything to look forward to. I hate planning anything as the thought fills me with dread and so much anxiety about the upcoming event no matter who it is with. 

I thought I’d just go to the doctors and take some tablets and after a couple of weeks I’d be fixed, normal. Ready to go on. This is not the case and the realisation of that is harder than I could have ever imagined even in hindsight. In this last few weeks It has dawned on me that I might be fighting this battle with my demons for the rest of my life, and happy pills won’t work everyday, because it’s not magic. 

Like I’ve said, I’ve had a few better days but today was awful. Today was full of so much discomfort, angst, and utter sadness. Without a few very special supportive people I’d have been a very obvious mess at my desk – thank you โค๏ธ

Right now, the only thing I look forward to is staying in bed, not having to wear my smile, clean clothes and just being able to stay in my pjs with the love and support of my loved ones when needed. 

Thank you for reading. I hope by sharing my own personal stories, thoughts and and experiences it might in some way help others to find the courage to help themselves and continue their own battle. ๐Ÿ’•

Lots of love, Lilly ๐ŸŒธ

Driving Lesson: 1 ๐Ÿš—

Today I started my driving lessons again, for what seems like the 50,000,000th time. With one difference, this time I’m determined to pass. 

I am an incredibly nervous driver with my anxiety levels at their highest when being behind the wheel of a car. I don’t ever completely feel in control and to add to all of that – I get my left and rights terribly mixed up. 

I’ve had several driving instructors and I’ve tried to learn on and off since being 17. I’ve failed my theory test 3 times and if I’m honest, I’ve felt like a lost cause for a while. 

My lesson was booked with an instructor called Ian who was recommended to me by a very good friend of mine. 

First positive – Ian was on time! He was friendly and smiley and asked if I wanted to drive off first. I politely declined this offer and told him I didn’t really feel ready. He was fine with that and took me to a quiet area in Bilborough, Nottingham. 

I got into the drivers seat and felt ready to start. I put my seatbelt on, moved the chair forward and adjusted my mirrors. The road was quiet and Ian told me how to start the car. This car was different to all the previous cars I’d driven as a button is used to to start the engine. I pressed the button, checked my mirrors, blind spot, found my bite and released the handbrake, and off I went! 

I drove around this area for the majority of my lesson, I was fully prepared and listened to everything Ian said. I was remembering my mistakes and understanding what I needed to do next, planning my turns and getting to grips with the gears and the the rest of the car. 

I drove home and this meant getting from this quiet area in Bilborough, through the busy Aspley crossroad, and busy Baseford crossings and the intimidating hill start at the top of Hucknall road, leading to my final destination of Bestwood Park; Home sweet home!

Each roundabout, each turn, each set of traffic lights I completed with absolute control. I was driving and I was remembering all my previous lessons and I felt good, I felt proud of myself. 

I drove home and I felt so good! 

I am really happy with my first lesson and with myself. Before I left the car, Ian told me how well I’d done and what we’d be doing next lesson. I couldn’t believe how well it had gone! 

Next month I’m going to book in for my theory test, to get that out of the way and hopefully pass the first hurdle there. 

I’m looking forward to my next lesson and someday soon hopefully passing my driving test! ๐Ÿš— 

Heaven knows I’m miserable now.ย 

I’ve not written a personal post in a while so here goes, here’s what’s going on…

After struggling for a while to maintain my thoughts, feelings and utter desperation to be seen as ‘normal’ I booked an appointment at the doctors. 

I’ve felt hopeless and worried and sad and upset and emotional and overwhelmed since I can remember. I put it down to being a little emo kid at 14 and never really growing out of it. 10 years on and a better perspective of what is ‘normal’ and what isn’t, I realised what I was living and feeling wasn’t. 

After speaking to some of my nearest and dearest, they convinced me to book an appointment. 

I was anxious on top of my angst self for about a week and a half after booking the appointment due to the fact that I’d had to wait for the appointment and I’d been psyching myself up for this for months. 

I walked in to the doctors and I was dying to leave before I’d even explained what was wrong. I was embarrassed, ashamed and emotionally exhausted. 

My doctor is a nice man, he knows when to joke and when not to. He took everything I said seriously and made me feel at ease, well as at ease as one human can. He went through the most depressing survey of my life and I guess that’s when all reality hit. I knew before he’d said it. 

You’ve scored 18, that puts you in the ‘severely depressed’ category. 

He continued to tell me about some pills he’d prescribe to me and that it would take some time to work, maybe a few months. That he’d like to see me before I run out of the first box to review everything. He told me I didn’t have enough of the happy chemical in my brain and that the pills would even it out. He also said that some talk therapy might help to talk through some of the bigger issues. 

I took the rest of the afternoon off work and stayed in bed and cried. 

I felt validated and it was more than just me feeling a bit sad. I also felt incredibly ashamed.

This is something so personal to me, and I will continue to speak about my journey because in light of all of this I know I am finally going in the right direction. 

For ten years I have felt like it was just me, I guess I was just repressing feelings and coping as best as I can when actually I’ve just ignored everything. 

I know I have struggled for a while. 

I work extra hard to try to act normal and confident and have done all my life. It’s only been this last 12 months where I’ve taken a step back and tried to actually name my thoughts and feelings. I suffer from anxiety. But I hate to say it, which is why I don’t. I still present myself as normal even though I have every single thought flying through my head at several different times all at once again and again and again. 

This past year, I’ve felt my memory deteriorate due to me thinking so much about trivial things that at the time seem like the most important thing on the planet. I lose focus and can’t always comprehend what I want to say which in turn, ensures I articulate myself in the worse way possible. I then spend the day thinking about each conversation, with each person I’ve had that day, trying to think of things I should have, could have, wished I’d have said. 

However, as much as I allow my world to revolve around shoulda, woulda, couldas. There comes a time where I need to allow myself to pull my energy into something else. To help calm my thoughts, my mind and everything else. 

I have headaches a lot that turn into migraines. I over think and over analyse and whirl in and out of what seems like a world away in my mind before someone asks me a question and brings me straight back to this real world. 

I worry about things I cannot change, things I can change. Things that are big and things that are small.

I feel like my life is in black and white and everyone else is in colour.

As I take back the control of my life; my journey continues and I am owning my life, and my path. 

I wanted to write about my own personal issues, in hopes to raise mental health awareness, to urge you all to be kind to people always, and to help anyone overcome their own nerves and worries about seeking any help or advice. 

I understand now that to completely surrender to help is not something to be ashamed of; nor is it a weakness. It is quite the opposite – it shows strength, courage and bravery. 

Lots of love, Lilly. ๐ŸŒธ

Today ๐ŸŒง

Today I was diagnosed with depression. 

Today I was validated. Today I was honest. Today I put me first. Today I was brave. 

Today I felt relieved. Today I cried. Today I took some time for myself. Today I felt supported. 

Today I made a step in the right direction. Today I cried. Today I thought about the future. 

Today I look forward to tomorrow. 

Today I cried. 

Sexy Mamma Love Spaghetti! ๐Ÿ

Last night I had the absolute pleasure of dining at Nottingham’s hidden gem, Sexy Mamma Love Spaghetti. 

The well sought-after Italian restaurant is located in the hockley area of Nottingham city centre. The restaurant is tiny with an atmosphere that reminds you of Italy itself. 

My table was booked for 8.30pm and we was greeted straight away. Our table wasn’t quite ready as we were slightly early, however within 5 minutes another had been made up for us. 

Menus were handed to us; there was probably around several mains to choose from and a selection of starters.  I decided to go for the Spinach & Ricotta Ravioli with a glass of red and it was the best choice I’ve ever made! 

The smells within the restaurant circled, along with the atmospheric feeling of being in Italy, loud laughs, amazing wine and a shared enjoyment of wonderful food. 

The food was so delicious, I can confidently say I’ll never go anywhere else for incredible authentic Italian food. 

The waiters were friendly, talkative and happy to go above and beyond regardless of how busy they were. Nothing was too much trouble, they worked with teamwork at the front of their mind and was genuinely so happy when we told them how beautiful the food was. 

With the food being as pleasant as it was, I decided I couldn’t possibly go home without dessert! I’d been eyeing up the chocolate mousse from the menu, and again, an absolute winner. 

I can safely say this is my new favourite restaurant! You definitely get what you pay for here and I’m so glad we had the pleasure of eating here. 

Top tips: 

  • book in advance, they were turning people away from 8.30pm as it was fully booked. 
  • Wear something cool, it gets really hot, even sat close to the door. 
  • From what I’ve heard and from the menus we were given, they don’t seem to have a set menu – so don’t expect to be able to choose in advance! 

If you haven’t been already, I urge you to go. It was a truly amazing experience. 

I would love to hear about your experiences and your favourite restaurants in Nottingham! 

Thank you for reading. 

Lilly ๐ŸŒธ

The National Video Game Arcade – Nottingham ๐ŸŽฎ๐Ÿ‘พ

Today I had the pleasure of visiting the national video game arcade with my super gaming fan boyfriend. ย ๐Ÿ’•

If you haven’t been, it is 24-32 Carlton Street, Nottingham. (Just in the Hockley area of Nottingham city centre) ย Here is a link to the website for more information:ย The National Video Game Arcade Website

We arrived around mid afternoon and was greeted by two lovely receptionists who were friendly and chatty. We paid for our tickets and they told us where to go.

Up a flight of stairs and we were surrounded by a huge Video Game called Mission Control, you could play this huge game with two players. A member of staff was around to explain how you play and the rules.

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