I’ve not written a personal post in a while so here goes, here’s what’s going on…
After struggling for a while to maintain my thoughts, feelings and utter desperation to be seen as ‘normal’ I booked an appointment at the doctors.
I’ve felt hopeless and worried and sad and upset and emotional and overwhelmed since I can remember. I put it down to being a little emo kid at 14 and never really growing out of it. 10 years on and a better perspective of what is ‘normal’ and what isn’t, I realised what I was living and feeling wasn’t.
After speaking to some of my nearest and dearest, they convinced me to book an appointment.
I was anxious on top of my angst self for about a week and a half after booking the appointment due to the fact that I’d had to wait for the appointment and I’d been psyching myself up for this for months.
I walked in to the doctors and I was dying to leave before I’d even explained what was wrong. I was embarrassed, ashamed and emotionally exhausted.
My doctor is a nice man, he knows when to joke and when not to. He took everything I said seriously and made me feel at ease, well as at ease as one human can. He went through the most depressing survey of my life and I guess that’s when all reality hit. I knew before he’d said it.
You’ve scored 18, that puts you in the ‘severely depressed’ category.
He continued to tell me about some pills he’d prescribe to me and that it would take some time to work, maybe a few months. That he’d like to see me before I run out of the first box to review everything. He told me I didn’t have enough of the happy chemical in my brain and that the pills would even it out. He also said that some talk therapy might help to talk through some of the bigger issues.
I took the rest of the afternoon off work and stayed in bed and cried.
I felt validated and it was more than just me feeling a bit sad. I also felt incredibly ashamed.
This is something so personal to me, and I will continue to speak about my journey because in light of all of this I know I am finally going in the right direction.
For ten years I have felt like it was just me, I guess I was just repressing feelings and coping as best as I can when actually I’ve just ignored everything.
I know I have struggled for a while.
I work extra hard to try to act normal and confident and have done all my life. It’s only been this last 12 months where I’ve taken a step back and tried to actually name my thoughts and feelings. I suffer from anxiety. But I hate to say it, which is why I don’t. I still present myself as normal even though I have every single thought flying through my head at several different times all at once again and again and again.
This past year, I’ve felt my memory deteriorate due to me thinking so much about trivial things that at the time seem like the most important thing on the planet. I lose focus and can’t always comprehend what I want to say which in turn, ensures I articulate myself in the worse way possible. I then spend the day thinking about each conversation, with each person I’ve had that day, trying to think of things I should have, could have, wished I’d have said.
However, as much as I allow my world to revolve around shoulda, woulda, couldas. There comes a time where I need to allow myself to pull my energy into something else. To help calm my thoughts, my mind and everything else.
I have headaches a lot that turn into migraines. I over think and over analyse and whirl in and out of what seems like a world away in my mind before someone asks me a question and brings me straight back to this real world.
I worry about things I cannot change, things I can change. Things that are big and things that are small.
I feel like my life is in black and white and everyone else is in colour.
As I take back the control of my life; my journey continues and I am owning my life, and my path.
I wanted to write about my own personal issues, in hopes to raise mental health awareness, to urge you all to be kind to people always, and to help anyone overcome their own nerves and worries about seeking any help or advice.
I understand now that to completely surrender to help is not something to be ashamed of; nor is it a weakness. It is quite the opposite – it shows strength, courage and bravery.
Lots of love, Lilly. 🌸