How soon is now. 

Week three on antidepressants and the daily nausea and headaches have gone, but the exhaustion stays. 

In hindsight, I’ve always felt tired, I thought it was just me being dramatic. I’ve spent a lot of time researching and reading up on depression and mental illnesses and it’s been said that it is common for people with depression to feel extremely tired. 

Hindsight is a strange thing. For someone who is constantly over thinking and over analysing you’d think I would be able to put two and two together in the moment, but no, hindsight always seems to make an appearance and only in hindsight do I reflect and understand things better.

Do I feel better since taking antidepressants? 

I have a few more better days; But is that because I have a massive sense of relief due to finally my own feelings being validated after many years? The overwhelming amount of realisation I have experienced in this last 3 weeks is like nothing I’ve ever encountered. I feel aware of my mind and my mental illness. I’m aware that I have been juggling a lot of things for a while and that’s not something I was aware of before, I just cracked on with everything. 

People would say it’s okay to be a bit sad or you’re just a pessimist you need to focus on the positives more. This is life, it’s not easy. You need to plan stuff so you have things to look forward to. 

What they, and I, didn’t understand until now, was that I haven’t felt excited in months. I don’t feel I have anything to look forward to. I hate planning anything as the thought fills me with dread and so much anxiety about the upcoming event no matter who it is with. 

I thought I’d just go to the doctors and take some tablets and after a couple of weeks I’d be fixed, normal. Ready to go on. This is not the case and the realisation of that is harder than I could have ever imagined even in hindsight. In this last few weeks It has dawned on me that I might be fighting this battle with my demons for the rest of my life, and happy pills won’t work everyday, because it’s not magic. 

Like I’ve said, I’ve had a few better days but today was awful. Today was full of so much discomfort, angst, and utter sadness. Without a few very special supportive people I’d have been a very obvious mess at my desk – thank you ❤️

Right now, the only thing I look forward to is staying in bed, not having to wear my smile, clean clothes and just being able to stay in my pjs with the love and support of my loved ones when needed. 

Thank you for reading. I hope by sharing my own personal stories, thoughts and and experiences it might in some way help others to find the courage to help themselves and continue their own battle. 💕

Lots of love, Lilly 🌸

5 thoughts on “How soon is now. 

  1. I loved this post! I could understand all of it completely.. It’s funny isn’t it when you get to this point and you look back and things become clear. When I was young I was so confused about my feelings and didn’t know what was wrong with me. I felt so isolated and different.. it scared me constantly.
    It isn’t all rainbows and smiles but you have to take every little thing and be thankful for it. Some days I’m upset because I woke up and I’m alive and others I see it as a gift and feel happy that I found my strength to pick myself up off the floor at 3am and carry on living. Or just doing things like taking a shower and putting on clean clothes is a huge achievement for me.. a lot of things like that seem pointless so when I do them it’s huge.
    I’ve been through a lot and have been fighting for a long time. I hope my words help you in some way & know that I mean it when I say if you ever need to talk I’m here.
    I lost a friend who couldn’t be strong anymore and that kills me every day. I want to help people and myself when I can.. I hope that in the next few weeks when the meds really start to kick in those good days will be more frequent. It will get better I promise you.. 💗xxx

    Like

    1. lotsoflovelilly

      Thank you so much for this. You’re absolutely right, I feel like I’ve struggled to pin point what it is and now it is clear, I’m understanding myself a lot better now. I know what you mean, I’m getting to grips with this new journey and trying to make sense of it all. I’m so sorry for your loss, thank you so much for your kindness, It means so much to me. You are so lovely. 💕 xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Gaining knowledge and understanding of ourselves and our conditions is power. I’ve felt so much more in control knowing as much as possible about all my illnesses and conditions. It’s in the not knowing that I felt more alone & desperate. You accept who you are, make peace with it and find your own way to survive.
        It’ll take some time.. I’m learning every day still and finding new ways to manage and be a better person for it. Thank you. 💗I’m glad of that.. I don’t feel we should hoard our knowledge or forget to be kind to people as often as possible. I do my best.. even when most of the time people aren’t good or kind to me. I wish you the best of luck on your new journey and I look forward to reading more about it. Xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

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