Absent. 

I’ve been absent; 

My mind has been absent and with that, my passion for writing and anything else has deteriorated over the past few months. 

I have felt that I lack the energy to do the most simplist of tasks and although I have felt this way before, this has been the most severe case of demotivation within my years of dealing with depression. 

I have neglected some of my closest friends and have made no effort to see some of them – I’m sorry. 

I have always prided myself on being an extremely motivated and ambitious person; I have proved this throughout my life through completing accomplishments which are important to me; although they may be small and insignificant to others, these experiences have helped shape the person I am. 

  • Working for British Airways as cabin crew & obtaining my wings. (5000 people applied for the role and around only 16 of us got through the recruitment process) 
  • Travelling the world with work and visiting countries and cities. (Spending most of my time alone in these countries or cities, I had to make my way around, most of the time by myself and had to understand people without always speaking their language. Eat, drink, sleep and visit places alone.)
  • Completing my level 5 CIPD. (This is the equivalent to a degree within Human Resources. I completed this while working shifts full time in a hotel – not in the HR environment, within 9 months) 
  • Getting a HR role (without previously working in a HR environment and having little to no experience) 
  • Moving out at 19 years old and living alone (taking care of my household and myself) 

Unfortunately as I have become more aware of my mental health recovery, I have spent little time thinking about the future and regrettably, more time on the past and a constant worry of the present preserves. 

Along with taking my antidepressants, I have been visiting a therapist once a week. After being diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, severe depression and anxiety, I felt that this must be my main focus at this time. 

However, I do use my writing as an outlet. I don’t write for anyone else other than myself, it is a platform in which I use to help me focus my thoughts and help clear my mind. If for some reason unknown to myself,  people happen to read my blog, and it helps them, that to me is a great advantage that warms my heart very much. 

I apologise in advance if my honesty within this post makes any of my readers feel uncomfortable, that is not my intention at all. 

The way I see it is this; If someone had a poorly arm, people would ask about it and not feel uncomfortable in doing so. I feel that this should be the same for mental illnesses and mental health overall. It is okay to speak about and you should not feel ashamed. It is not a taboo. You wouldn’t feel ashamed if you had a poorly arm so why feel that way for a poorly mind? It is said that approximately one in four people in the U.K. will experience some type of mental health problem in their lives. Understandably, not everyone is inclined to speak about their own mental health issues, and that is okay too. We each have to find what route is best for us.

I am happy to share my thoughts and experiences on the matter and will continue to do so in hopes of clearing some space in my own mind.

I have returned from a much needed holiday and it has helped me to clear some space in my mind and focus on what is important to me. I was in urgent need of some sun, sea and sand and have returned with a much better view of what I expect from myself. 

I hope to get to a place where I am more motivated with daily tasks, social activities and I can hopefully revive my ambitious nature once more. 

Thank you for reading – as always. 

Lots of love, Lilly. 💖 

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