With mental health awareness week just around the corner (14-20 May 2018) I felt the urge to write. I’ve not written in a while. I often lack inspiration and find it hard to put my thoughts down. I also worry that I’ll come across as very ‘woe is me’ and that is never my intention, or the impression I want to be perceived as. I only ever want to help and try to spread light on my own situation in hopes to help others be brave and stay strong with their mental health journey.
So January I had my last therapy session and since then I’ve been in ‘recovery’ well that’s what they call it anyway…
I’ve been dealing with my persistent depression since the age of fourteen and it’s never gone, so why did I think it would after therapy? Because I’m a silly Billie, that’s why. I’ve learnt that there is no magical cure, there’s no secret potion that heals you. However, you continue to take your happy pills (2 100mg sertraline a day keeps the doctor away!!) and you develop coping mechanisms so that you can go about your day to day life the best you can.
Some days are so fucking awful that you stay in bed crying without speaking to a soul, then others you feel less reclusive, and somehow gain the energy to scroll endlessly on instagram and make the girls night you’ve been putting off for the last three weekends. (Sorry gals, I love you, my mind hates me)
Your low mood hardly changes and you have that constant rain cloud over your head, but instead of the rain continually raining heavily, you get a break, and sometimes, some days the rain pours a little lighter than the day before.
My depression is high functioning and I’m so used to the way I feel day in, day out, I’m able to put on a front and maintain normality – but that comes with years and years of practice. I know what helps and what doesn’t help. I’m aware of most of my triggers and I try to reduce any traumatic feelings/angst by taking as much of the control back as I can.
I often wonder if this is it forever, if I will continue to feel the way I do.
I rarely ever feel excited, I have a poor appetite always and I never ‘fancy’ a particular food, I constantly feel exhausted, & I have a very poor concentration span.
I worry about the present, the now, but mostly the past. I dwell on the past so much it often affects my future.
Small things to other people, are massive things to me, like being late for an appointment or burning toast or breaking a mug. I’ll cry – don’t know why. I’ll just cry.
I rely on my own coping mechanisms far too much. Like long bubble baths, Netflix binges, complete undisturbed me time, writing, getting lost in a book. However, the same problem occurs. I have so little energy that often I do not have the enthusiasm to do any of the things I enjoy because of forever feeling exhausted and just generally sad.
On a trying-to-be positive note, I try to take comfort in the little things. Like the sun shining, or the beauty of the sky, or my cat coming for a snug, or the fact that my plants are actually growing and I’ve not killed them yet. These tiny things seem to have the power to help some days.
So whatever it is, whatever you’re facing, don’t let it keep you drowning. Learn to embrace your feelings and don’t suppress them. If you feel emotional, be emotional. If you feel like crying, cry. It’s okay, it’s better to air your feelings and crash with the waves then be crashed by the waves.
You’ve got this. 💪🏼❤️
Thank you so much to my nearest and dearests’ for always, always being there to talk and for continuing to love me and my crazy.
I adore each and every one of you. ❤️
Lots of love,